Spittin’ truth til my tongue bleeds – and THE LIST

I woke up early this morning – snuck out of the house without anyone knowing so I could finish this post uninterrupted, cappuccino in hand. Sitting in the driveway before I left – it felt a little devious. It was strange. I honestly just wanted to leave without telling anyone I was going. There’s something about being a wife and mom that can feel pretty fucking restrictive – no doubt this is the same for men. If we’re all honest, this whole traditional family thing is reaaally good at keeping us in check. Herding the herd.  

All the checking in so people don’t panic and worry – and I get it. But don’t you just want to disappear for awhile without checking a goddamn roll call?

I do. But, today was not that day. 

Having a midlife crisis without ruining my life. Isn’t that what I’m going for here? It doesn’t have to be dramatic. 

It’s really about coming to terms with aging and mortality.

Wrapping my head around the fact that my fingers are typing about midlife while I still can’t believe that’s where I am.

Checking in to see if I’m okay with where I am and who I’ve allowed myself to become.

Living in full consciousness – and writing about it. 

Declaring – I’m no longer going to be who I’m expected to be.

Detaching from the outcome. Validation not needed. If no one reads my words – if they are judged or mis-taken – ok – I’m gonna spit my truth til my tongue bleeds. It’s just healing on the path home.

I mean, what’s a midlife crisis anyway? Just a transformation – transitioning to another version of who you really are. The real you. Giving the finger to expectations and the obligations that have been keeping you less conscious than you really are.

It’s a spiritual emergency. It’s when your soul speaks up and says, ‘Hey, you ready?’  And you rise to the calling of that ever soft voice that you’ve spent a lifetime quieting. Pretty simple really. It’s a homecoming.

I feel like I’ve had many crises, so to speak over the years where I shed the skin I’m in to take up residence in a version of myself that feels more like home. And the only difference with this one is that it feels much more like an emergency – like time isn’t on my side anymore. I just don’t have time to waste overthinking and worrying with what anyone else thinks. Mmmm, it’s liberating really.

So here I am – Week One of my own personal mid-life crisis. And since this brilliant idea only came to me less than a week ago – Week 1 is all about starting – the genesis of midlife. Finalizing my list. Marking up my calendar. Taking care of the technical details and of the technology required to publicly go into crisis mode.

Who does that? Who actually plans and documents their mid-life crisis? I guess, I do. Because I want to. And because I want women to know that feeling this way is normal. And because I just want to have more FUN.

This feels equal parts exciting and ridiculous at the same time.

Part of the ridiculousness is that I historically don’t plan anything. I’m the one who does things on a whim. And it’s not that I’m hugely adventurous or anything, I’m just not a planner. I’m a head-down, do what I’m gonna do, worry with the logical details (and the outcome) later kinda gal.

So this will challenge many aspects of who I’ve been. And that’s kinda the point.

I have a list of general things I want to start doing. And then my 40x40x40 list of experiences to have, goals to achieve, fears to face and confessions to make.

In order to make it through much of my list, it really just takes STARTING a lot of things at once – and that’s where I’m at.

Ok, here we go. Here’s my Mid-Life Crisis List. The next 40 Weeks of my life written in stone (and google docs so I can change it).

General List:

  • Be honest with myself and others. I feel like this could get a little messy.
  • Stop following all the fucking rules. Also messy.
  • Get up earlier.
  • Get more sleep.

Goals to Accomplish:

  • Heal my body (Lose the weight, Work out – movement in some fashion – at least 3 days a week. NO MATTER WHAT. Feed my body what it really wants, not what my emotions want.)
  • Blog 40×40
  • Complete another flip
  • Publish my book
  • Achieve minimalism
  • Do the splits. Weird yes, but…
  • Create bounce bags
  • Sell my journals – all of them
  • Sell my house
  • Replace the income from my job

Experiences to Have:

  • 1 special thing with each kid
  • Visit my grandparents
  • Self Care in a Salt Cave
  • Go topless – somewhere that topless people are accepted. Not streaking.
  • Find my inner sex goddess again. This is multi-faceted.
  • Tree house vacay
  • Renew wedding vows – or something like that.
  • Learn to drive and dock a boat – a big one.
  • DO MORE STUFF – festivals, activities etc.
  • Practice altruism. Give people something they wouldn’t expect.

Fears to Face:

  • Ziplining
  • Lasik
  • Live Streaming 40×40
  • Speak on stage
  • Buy a boat
  • Prepare for my death
  • Boob job (breast lift) – seriously consider it.
  • Control Issues
  • Being unapologetically WHO I AM. Why is that so damn hard, no matter how far you’ve come?
  • Flying – I do it, but I also let it limit how often and where I’m willing to go.

Confessions to Make:

  • On God and Religion
  • Call out culture and divisiveness
  • Basic Bitch and being unapologetically high maintenance
  • On being a mother
  • HerStory and feminism
  • On germs and sick people
  • Why I write
  • Masculine vs. Feminine Energy
  • Xx
  • Xx

A lot of things on my list are more transformational than transactional, so it’s not an entire list of one time events or things I can just DO or accomplish every single week. Some things will be a culmination. And many require a lot of forethought and action on my part, so I feel like this is going to be a pretty busy next 40 weeks. Which is probably good for a few reasons.

First, it may help me stave off my winter blues which I notoriously live with from January to March and can feel paralyzing. Second, it’ll keep me proactive. I feel like I’ve become somewhat reactive just considering the very nature of my life as a professional woman with a career who also raises 3 kids and flips houses and is a writer. I spend my downtime, introverting (yes, I’m using that as a verb) – and this is going to challenge that. So, I’ll definitely have to build my crisis around my favorite past time so I can continue to recharge and honor who I am waaaay down deep.

This is going to challenge me – for sure. But as the ridiculously cliche (and also very true) saying goes – Life begins and the end of your comfort zone. Yada yada…

Oh – just in case you’re new here and have no idea what I’m talking about – click here to read all about what I’m doing and why.

Cheers to the next chapter – sometimes you just need a re-write.  

 

 

 

 

 

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