I journaled. Oh, you know I journaled.
I took up muay thai.
I drank copious amounts of wine with my girlfriends.
I worked with Reiki Masters. I tried past-life regression hypnosis – I told the little old lady in the shadows that I don’t need her to protect me anymore. And at the same time, I told the scared little girl by the fire she was safe. I set her free. I told her that I was in control now. Control being relative, of course.
I birthed babies in a warm tub of water in my bedroom – twice. On my terms. My way.
I worked with a spiritual life coach who helped me embrace the God of my own understanding after I had rejected the God of my childhood many years prior. She and I hiked 11 miles in the woods with about 20 pounds of rocks in my pack because I refused to lay down my burdens. I simply wanted to see how long I could carry them. Wasn’t that quite the metaphor.
I published 2 journals.
I admitted that I wasn’t Pinterest mom and that I didn’t want to be. I let my house get messy. I hired cleaners.
I stopped letting my past dictate my future. I decided that I matter.
I remembered that I am a warrior. I am powerful. I am a daughter of the Divine Mother. I remembered who I am.
I chose to embody that. I rejected everyone else’s opinion of me as straight irrelevant shit, and I held strong to my knowing. That was likely the hardest part of it all.
I rewrote my story in a thousand different ways in a thousand different moments as I started making the choices that I wanted to make – instead of the choices that made the most logical sense, or the choices that everyone else wanted me to make.
But of all those things – you know what actively changed things the most? I started doing shit. I wrote a vision for my life. Yes, I actually wrote it. I set intentions and I held them sacred. Sacred enough to take action on them. I became willing to do what had to be done to change my circumstances.
It wasn’t the altars. It wasn’t the crystals. It wasn’t the moon soaked intentions. All necessary in their own way. All laying the groundwork for my readiness. But it was – the doing – by far and away that changed things.
I took massive ownership of my story.
I accomplished goals – and missed big on others. And some of them just went to shit when I changed my mind, which is a really cool thing about actively deciding what you want – you also get to decide when to pivot. Or quit. I quit a lot of things too.
But FIRST I started playing the game.
For me, that meant becoming a doer instead of a dreamer. And oh my goodness, how I love being a dreamer. Reverie – my favorite state of being, like ever.
But it didn’t take long until those dreams were tormenting me. Those unrealized dreams hanging over my head reminding me of the life I wasn’t living. Reminding me that each logical step after logical step I had taken on the wide road of mediocrity had led me to a place that didn’t end in happiness or fulfillment.
Being a dreamer isn’t enough. Living in a state of reverie isn’t gonna cut it. It’s not even enough to take ownership of what you WANT. It’s owning what you’re GOING TO DO that makes the difference. Taking responsibility for EVERYTHING. All of it. Believing there could be another way. Taking the first step and the second and the third, even if you don’t know exactly where you’re going yet.
And when you’re ready, it’s creating a super clear vision – down to the details. Because if your not clear about what you want, you’ll be be chasing things you only think you want.
The whole experience. You call it in. Every-last-bit. Every insecurity. Every judgement. Every win. Every loss – is a direct result of what you are open to from moment to moment.
And after that realization, there’s only one thing left – profound self-responsibility.
Yea, I’m gonna be harping on that for awhile. Because it’s all-encompassing. Inside of self-responsibility the vision is born. The intentions are set. The action begins. It’s the game changer.
And if you want something to change – the things you’ve been making okay, are no longer going to be okay. They are keeping you paralyzed. I’d like to use the word stuck – but that’s just another feel good story. Use the words that change things. The excuses you make are keeping you paralyzed. I’m saying that with an infinite amount of love AND experience.
Be honest with yourself. Nothing will change until you do.
Ask yourself, “What do I actually want, and what am I willing to do to get there?”
And be suuuuper honest with yourself about it. Admit when you’re telling yourself a story about the story – aka bullshitting yourself. That’s the point when you start to realize that you’re creating IT ALL – when (as my friend says) you can speak truth to the bullshit. That’s when things change. Mmmmm, truth is music.
That’s a good place to start. That’s creating a vision. That’s writing your story.
The life you’re living and the life you want – are just polarities of the SAME story.
And in the space between those poles are all the choices you make – the actions you take. And the pendulum will swing accordingly.
So, create the vision. Set the intention. And MOVE towards it. Sure – it’s a process. Believe me, I know.
But it’s your life. Your Story. You write it.
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